Fuck You For Your Service, Tiny Goblin

Beck: [: 00:00:00

Dash: and I'm your host. Dash. Welcome to today's episode. 


Pain in the ass went to the vet 


inic. It took a collar and a [: 00:01:00

Dash: Yeah, I don't know if you can get that out of her really 


Beck: Yeah. I thought she would at least not care for a little while, you know? 


Dash: Maybe. 


Maybe eventually 


Beck: Maybe. The, it, the instructions on it were interesting though. It said to give them the night before, and then again 90 minutes before the stressful event Which I thought was interesting. The other bottles didn't say that, so 


ood for weeks. And there is, [: 00:02:00

So we went up there to get some lunch, and it was delight. I mean, it was just like your regular Americanized Chinese slop, but that's what I wanted, right? When you're craving that, that's what you want. I'm not trying to, I'm not, like, trying to be in the streets of Hong Kong or whatever 


Beck: Yeah, we got it yesterday too. I got sweet and sour chicken and crab rangoon. Five stars There's a, here in wa- in the little town that I live in there's a Kroger, and right by the Kroger there's a Mexican restaurant and a Chinese restaurant and a Biggby Coffee 


Dash: The trifecta. Like that 


ah, it has all, uh, Express. [: 00:03:00

We eat from that Mexican restaurant, like, ridiculously often 


Dash: I did consider Mexican because the one there in Morris is, that's the only good restaurant in Morris, to be honest. Like, a- and Mexican food, like, pretty much alway- always delivers. Like, that version of it, you know, that's, like, just run by a family that happens to live in a particular place. 


Beck: Yep 


Dash: But I just really wanted that greasy, carby, you know, b- breaded chicken and cabbage experience 


It was... Yes, it was really good, and I got some sides that I love. I really like pot stickers, and I know that at most of these places it's just the frozen stuff that you can buy, too. But if you get them fried, they fix them in the wok that they make all their other stuff in, and it has, it picks up the flavors and the seasonings of it, and then they give you that house-made dipping sauce. 


So I've tried [: 00:04:00

Beck: Yeah. That's like I've tried 


crab rangoon, and you just can't make it the same. Just buy it. 


Dash: Yeah, just get it from the people who know what they're doing 


Beck: Yeah, some of the recipes I've seen for crab rangoon have mozzarella in it, and that is just like an abomination. I'm like, you people have no idea what crab rangoon is if you're putting 


Dash: Yeah. That, there's some caucasity involved there, I bet, 


Beck: aren't there yet 


Dash: We never, you never know. And I got, like, a crispy-ass egg roll 


Beck: Nice. Shanna doesn't like egg rolls, so I always get hers. mostly like the wrapping that it comes in the wonton wrapper or whatever, the egg roll wrapper. 


Dash: Yeah. 


have you ever, like, made anything like that has to be wrapped up? 


Beck: Besides crab rangoon, no 


Dash: [: 00:05:00

and so the food is a mixture of the kinds of, like, spices and ingredients of Asian food, and then processes and other spices of, like, Mexican or South American food. I don't know. I'm not doing... i'm doing the best I can, but that's probably not, like, why it is the way it is. But I think of it, it feels to me and it tastes to me like a fusion of some kinds of, especially, like, Japanese food and Mexican or Central American food. 


thing that she makes called [: 00:06:00

I went and hung out. The first time I saw her do it, I went over to help roll them, and I wasn't very good at rolling them when we started. By the end I was a pro because we made 500 


Beck: Oh, wow 


Dash: ' Cause it was for her birthday party 


Now, if you ever need to roll up anything, just give me a call 


e we're a well-oiled machine.[: 00:07:00

Um, But w- whenever we do fuck something like that up we'll come up with something else. We'll still have fun. So we talked off air about the, uh, the 


Photography Assignment: Dramatic Bitches 


Dash: photo assignment of the sexy... Is it? No. Sorry. Dramatic bitches 


Beck: Yes 


Dash: And got together some examples of either things we've taken or seen. You have a lot to work with because, well, this is your project and you've spent some time on it, and you're a photographer. 


Like, you just, you think this way. You know? You see something interesting a- and you're like, "Let me get a photo of that because that's what my eye is." 


Beck: To look for things. Yeah, for sure. 


I can imagine it would be much harder if it wasn't something like that 


's so far away. And it looks [: 00:08:00

It is... This is the least dramatic landscape, right? It's flat. There's not dramatic wildlife really. Like, not a lot lives out here, to be honest. There's a lot of different kinds of birds, and so I was hoping to catch some birds being dramatic. But, uh, I'm not very good at photographing birds it turns out. 


So I kept missing them. and there's not dramatic bugs. There's not interesting bugs. You know, like, there are bugs everywhere. The air is bugs. The air is mosquitoes, the ground is ants, and the walls are spiders. But none of them are interesting, and certainly not dramatic. So I did eventually f- find a couple things, but I had to cheat a little bit. 


Beck: Yeah 


w you what I mean. I promise [: 00:09:00

Beck: mine 


Beck's Flower Photography Showcase 


Dash: I see that. Let me share screen. So I don't know if I told you, but I actually have that phobia where dots or holes are upsetting. 


Beck: I 


series was good for you 


Dash: didn't even make it all the way through looking at these and I was like, "I need to take a break." I don't even know. I know that it's a real phobia, and I know that quite a few people have it. 


Like, it's not rare. But I, I don't know where in the world it would come from. I used to really go out of my way to avoid exposure to things like this because it just, it's so unpleasant. Like this one, this is particularly bad. Although, okay, so this is the definition of dramatic though. So, for the folks can't see what we're talking about, which is all of you What should we do? 


Should we try to describe these, 


Beck: basically but then I can post them if you want in the newsletter this week 


have one video that made me [: 00:10:00

Were these all taken around the same time or the same, or are they spread out over a long period of time? 


Beck: It's probably the same four months. I was go- I think it was summer of '23 is where I was when I was getting all of these, 


Dash: cause they all look so, like, cohesive, I guess. 


Beck: too. Th- they're all the same, except for the one that's not in color, the rest of them are all at the same park, so. 


It's a spiderweb with dewdrops on it 


Dash: a photo bomb back here though? It looks like of a grasshopper. 


Beck: That's funny 


n barely see the spider web, [: 00:11:00

Super cool 


Beck: you see the series that I posted on Facebook? There were, like, 12 


Dash: Yeah. 


Beck: I had my friends go through and pick some of their favorites. ' I I had taken that many over the course of, you know, that long. So I thought that they turned out cool 


Dash: Do you know what these are called? These 


Beck: c- uh, coneflowers 


Dash: Oh 


Beck: And they come in a wide variety of different colors, but I really liked that color 'cause you don't see that color very often, that raspberry color in nature very often. You see pink a lot, but you 


that deep 


Dash: It looks like a 


possessed strawberry 


Beck: Yeah. That's a good description 


Dash: Yeah, very striking. Cool. This looks like it's related to it, so this... Or maybe this is, like, it at the end of its life is what it seems like to me. So this is, like, very pink. It's more pastel or muted, and it has a center to it that is, it looks kind of like it's sprouted 


Beck: Like fireworks [: 00:12:00

Dash: Yeah, it does look like fireworks. And it's so irregular. Do you know what this one's called? 


Beck: No, I don't. I used to go through and do Google Lens for them and label them, but I was just going through my archive to find these, so I didn't pay much attention. a sunflower 


Dash: yeah, but it look it looks like it's got thorns 


Beck: Yeah They're crazy when they're 


Dash: yeah, my Aunt Lois had a whole patch of sunflowers. I don't even know why. I don't know if she harvested the seeds or what, but they were all along... She lived up on a hill on, in Jellico there and had just the weirdest property. She was the same one that had uh, a collection of ceramic frogs. 


Like, everything, there was a frog motif around her whole house. But she also grew just, had, and had been for years, 'cause they were really gigantic whole-ass sunflowers. I used, I loved just, like, walking in the middle of them. 


nd took a bunch of pictures. [: 00:13:00

Dash: Oh. 


Beck: down there at the bottom. They're black and purple. 


Yeah, they're really neat looking. 


Dash: This is a cross between dramatic bitch and sexy beast. There's something a little sexy about this whole display here, right? 


Beck: I think I put two of these in this series. 


Dash: This looks like a movie prop. It looks like something that it would be, like, in a Alien movie. 


It, it's not like it's the most dramatic one, but it looks a little, like, out of place 


Beck: So one of the other assignments that I would give myself is Georgia O'Keefe inspired flowers basically. Anything that was vulgar looking, and this fell into that category. 


Dash: Yeah, it's that, especially like the texture of the petals and stuff. It's kind of like... 


Beck: real bad. You'll laugh when you see it too 


Dash: I love [: 00:14:00

Beck: I also like the life cycle. I like the deaths, you know, of things because we see the beauty and the birth of it and the life 


Dash: Yeah 


Beck: we don't really look at death, the death of things very often, and I think the death of flowers can be absolutely beautiful 


Dash: Well, we don't like looking at the individual level of it, you know? Like, we'll appreciate death in fall, you know, when we can look at a 5,000-foot view of a whole ecosystem changing, right? And the beauty of th- those colors. But when it's if we take it down to the individual level I don't think we can romanticize it as easily, or we can't fit it into our worldview as easily 


Beck: Right 


something very close to the [: 00:15:00

Dash: There's at least four different species of flower here, 


Beck: Yeah 


Dash: and there's one human finger 


Beck: Where? 


Dash: You see on the bottom here? 


Beck: that one. even see that. 


Dash: There's something symbolic about that too, actually. 


Beck: Yeah. Yeah, I did not even see that. That's funny. 


Well, I do all of these with my cellphone. And a lot of people, 


Dash: Yeah 


Beck: I've been asked many times, "Well, what kind of camera, what kind of cellphone do you have?" And I'm like, "Bottom of the line Samsung, like the cheapest 


Dash: Mm-hmm. 


Beck: can get from T-Mobile is what I have." If you know how to use them, all of these cameras are pretty good. And if you just learn the settings and stuff, you can do a lot with them 


re all fairly capable now of [: 00:16:00

This is actually similar to one of the ones I was able to catch. 


So in this one, the sun is the dramatic bitch. 


Beck: Yes 


Dash: Although this flower right here is like, is pretty impressive. It's bright red or orange, and it has, it's like a stalk, you know? Like, it's not just one, it's like a whole branch of blooming 


Beck: I don't remember what those are called. I, couple of summers ago I was pretty up on my flowers. I could have told you 


Dash: Yeah. 


Beck: it's, they fade a little bit. 


Dash: Oh, these like 


Beck: I really like those. 


I think they 


Dash: Those are the 


Beck: like dancers 


Dash: Yeah, they, yeah, they do. They look like they're moving, but it's a, just a picture 


are you looking to tell and [: 00:17:00

There's a million ways you could have shot that would have told different stories 


Beck: Yeah. That's kind of the thing. How, what's a new way of looking at this thing? There are a million pictures of sunflowers on the internet, right? What 


Dash: Mm-hmm. 


Beck: different? And that's kind of the way 


Dash: Yeah 


Beck: it. And I have some good results. I have a lot of mediocre results, you know, playing around with things. 


But then you get a couple of shots that are really good, it makes the day worth it. It's a, it's really a fun hobby. I lost a lot of weight doing it. I need to get back into it 


Dash: Yes 


e sitting back there. And so [: 00:18:00

And the guide was talking and saying this and saying that and walking backwards, and all of a sudden you heard, " Pff." And she 


Dash: Oh. 


Beck: a dead mouse and it was so bloated that it popped like a balloon. Ugh. It, but it was so, her reaction was so funny. Like, it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. Uh, because my shoe wasn't in the middle 


t's pretty fucking dramatic."[: 00:19:00

But I'm not gonna get out and take a picture of roadkill. It's always some, uh, like raccoon or, you know... it's something that, like, really makes me sad, not that I think some things are more deserving of dying. But there are, there's certain roadkill where I wind up asking myself, "How did you get here?" 


You know? th- these roads in particular, like, it makes no sense. Huh? 


Beck: I said boys are so weird 


Dash: I guess so. 


Beck: are just fascinated by roadkill. Ah. 


Dash: Yeah. Well, it's like, uh, we're out here, like this raccoon has no business out here. Like, you don't live out here. I know you don't. There's nothing for you to eat here. This is a goddamn desert. You don't live here. And so, like, what even led to this? I don't know. 


Beck: Just trying to fi- feed 


Dash: he's just going to work, and he got taken out All right, so this, I took this one last night. 


Beck: Ooh 


Dash: for a walk. [: 00:20:00

Beck: shot 


Dash: Thank you. The sun is, like, right through this, like, a split in trees, and so I was walking over there. 


You see that little pier behind it? I was going over there to walk out on the pier, and then I saw that, and I was like, "Well, this is nice." And there was nobody over there, so. that's a interesting waterway too, because it's so shallow. You can just walk out there, basically. It's very shallow, 'cause it's like a... 


I don't think delta is the word, but people come out there to f- shoals. It's shoals. People come out there to fish. So it's usually packed. I couldn't believe nobody was there 


? Okay, so this is the other [: 00:21:00

Beck: Very 


Dash: it's a lot more water, and this is a wetland, I guess. So this is actually, like, close to my house. This is part... This is where I walk when I go out for walks. 


So it's a lake, but it's not huge. It's only... And again, it's only nine feet deep. Like, there's very few very deep things around my house anyway. Maybe there's really deep water at other parts in the state, Maybe that's what they mean by wetland. I wanna go see Lake Superior 


Beck: I've 


It is the clearest water 


I, when we went up 


Rocks 


Dash: I'm planning my trip over that way. I'm gonna go up by Superior, like, a- you know, across Duluth, and then I'm gonna go down through, uh, Wisconsin and Michigan and Ohio to see the fam. 'Cause I wanna see all that stuff up there. There's a place called International Falls on the border, like right at the top of the Boundary Waters, I don't know, just wanna appreciate this place a little more. 


Beck: Yeah. 


Dash: This [: 00:22:00

Beck: Yes 


Dash: Okay. Putting... There's a voice filter you can put, you can use on TikTok, and this person put it on their cats. 





Beck: Wow. Wow. That's hilarious. Very dramatic indeed. 


Dash: Can we still let our phones ring? I would make that my ringtone 


Make sure to post that one too, even though I don't know. Some- sometimes, I do this a lot actually. I s- I save a bunch of TikToks because I wanna talk to you about them. 


YouTube special there was a [: 00:23:00

Big Butter Jesus & Nostalgia 


Beck: Do you know who Diamond Dave is? 


Dash: . I mean what 


Beck: Put in, uh, for you two, put in Diamond Dave Judy Chop, J-U-D-Y Chop 


Dash: Yep, I know who Diamond Dave is. GG chap 


Beck: Judy chop? I'm gonna Judy chop 'em 


Dash: I saw, actually somebody, maybe they know that they're pa- like riffing off of this, or they don't know and they thought they invented it, but there's, I saw somebody on TikTok doing redneck ninja something. It's like, "I teach down at the, uh, strip mall." 


West Virginia Ninja 


Beck: Yeah, don't go Judy chopping nobody that don't need Judy chopping 


Dash: Oh shit, I just remembered I left a, uh, can in the freezer. So let me go get that before it explodes. 


ity doo dah, zippity yay. My [: 00:24:00

Dash: Yeah, when I was thinking about the YouTube one, I kinda chickened out on some of the weirder stuff, like, like there's some parody music videos and stuff that I love. Or just funny music, like comedic music things. Now we know, 'cause we're gonna land on that again, like I won't change it 


Beck: Have you ever heard of Big Butter Jesus? 


Dash: Big butter Jesus. 


Speaker: Sweet Cream, Jesus. 


Dash: That's Bob and Tom. 


Beck: uh, no, it's, uh, uh Elwood... 


Dash: it was on the Bob and [: 00:25:00

Beck: Solid Rock? Yeah, the, the name of the person that sings the Sweet Queen Jesus song. Yeah, it was on that show, but the guy that does it, he... 


Dash: Haywood Banks 


Beck: There we go. There it is 


Dash: Yehaw. Touchdown Jesus 


Beck: Holy oh, Lord 


Dash: if y'all don't know what we're talking about with Big Butter Touchdown Jesus I'll link this song. Did you actually see it burning? 


Beck: W- it was live on the news. We didn't drive by or anything 'cause it happened at night. 


Dash: Yeah. 


Beck: yeah. 


Dash: There's a video of it. Uh, yeah 


Beck: everybody was dying laughing when it was happening in, like in real time. Because that same church had got, had been busted for running cocaine. Like they had got busted for drugs, and then their Jesus down. 


Dash: What's there now? They put something else back up that 


Beck: uh, another Jesus, another version of Jesus 


Dash: It's kind of a shittier version 


ll are y'all talking about?" [: 00:26:00

Dash: Yehaw 


out of nowhere, uh, probably: 2010

Dash: Yeah, it's a, it's an actual statue. 'Cause the other thing about touchdown butter Jesus was that he was coming out of the water. It was only his top half, and so he looked like he was, like, [00:27:00] jumping out of the water or something, trying to catch so... And so there's a lot of great Photoshop stuff about big butter Jesus. 


But yeah, this other one they put up after it is just a boring ass I don't wanna read the article, I just want picture 


Beck: Somewhere in my photo archive, uh, my best friend and, uh, Shanna's little sister came up to visit, and we went and did a photo shop with Big Butter Jesus. I've got those photos somewhere. This week I bought a CD reader to go through some of those old pictures, so on the lookout for that 


Dash: Cincinatti Blade wants me to subscribe 


Anyway 


Beck: that is such the problem with all the garbage news you can access for free, but good news you have to pay for. And it's like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna read your quality bullshit 'cause I don't have a dollar, or I have a dollar but I ain't giving it to you, you know? 


ing adage, but basically if, [: 00:28:00

Beck: Holy oh, Lord 


Music & Childhood Memories 


Dash: I just remember, so one of the things that we always aspired to was cracking our dad up, like making him laugh. This was a competition among the kids. And so a lot of the t- the things that I'll remember that don't really mean anything to me other than how much they made him laugh, and the Big Butter Jesus song was one of them. 


Like, I don't give a fuck about Big Butter Jesus, you know? But watching him, like, just wheeze and lose his whole shit over that song, that's just gonna be in my head forever 


Beck: Yeah. I've got some songs like that with my mom that are her songs. I remember do you know who Keith Whitley is? You're from that area, you know who Keith Whitley 


Dash: Yeah. 


Beck: right? 


Dash: Mm-hmm 


an there's rain. Tears in my [: 00:29:00

Dash: Salisbury 


Beck: yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought. That's what she was making. That became our song. And every time I ... I don't care about that song, but every time I hear that song, I can't help but go back to that. Like, I can almost smell her kitchen when I hear that 


Dash: Yehaw 


Beck: And it makes me happy, so 


Dash: My, uh, my friend that I was just getting lunch with, we were talking about music and all the ways that... , music can become, important to us in ways that are kind of like nothing to do with whether we actually like the artist or the song or not 


ned to and that's what feels [: 00:30:00

But I mean, it's not what you would choose to put on, you know, for the most part. 


But when I'm missing my mom, I turn on '90s country and I feel like she's closer to me. So 


Dash: Went through a country phase 


Beck: Yehaw 


Dash: I don't know why I did. Maybe the kids at school liked it or something. I, but I remember in middle school when I was bef- like, while we were still at Jellico, there were... I would really listen to the radio, to the country stations, and 


Beck: Well, 


to it. Yeah. 


Dash: Maybe that's it. 


Beck: when you were in middle school, I was in high school, right? So that would've, we would've been listening at the same time, and that was like, it was really popular everywhere for a while. 


Like, all the kids were listening to it. 


Dash: She was cool. 


Beck: She was listening to Mary 


Dash: yeah 


Beck: Blige and such 


Dash: ' Cause that was the post Achy Breaky Heart 


Beck: Billy 


ntucky Which is right behind [: 00:31:00

Dash: I think I knew that. I th- maybe that's why everybody liked him so much. I don't know. I hated him, actually. Really couldn't stand, 


Beck: Yeah 


Dash: But I loved, like, the women. I remember loving Faith Hill. I remember when she did a cover of a Janis Joplin song, Take a Little Piece of My Heart 


Beck: of my heart, yeah 


Dash: Yeah, she kinda changed it a little bit, but that's what it was. 


And I thought that was so cool 'cause I th- that may also have been where I found out about cover songs. Like, wow, sometimes people will sing other people's songs 


Beck: My first lesbian awakening was Trisha Yearwood 


Dash: You tell me about that. 


Beck: Yeah, Yeah, that was 


to see Alan Jackson, and k- [: 00:32:00

I saw all kinds of people George Jones 


Dash: And we didn't do that. We went to the Lexington Bluegrass Festival several times. One of my prized possessions is I still have a baseball cap that my dad got there from, you know, sometime in the '80s 


Well, let me, let's hear from this week's sponsor 


I'm kinda nervous about it 'cause it's stupid, but all right. So this week's episode is presented by the Nonpartisan Retirement Committee for the Tiny Indentured Goblin that's been piloting Mitch McConnell's husk around for these past few decades. 


Or the NPRCFTTIGTBPMMHATPFD 


[: 00:33:00

But decades of breathing in stale Senate floor air and running on a pure layout of premium bourbon and political spite has left our little friend with severe carpal tunnel and trauma. With the husk expiring, the nonpartisan retirement committee is stepping in to decommission and ensure he can safely eject from the cockpit and transition into a peaceful post-pilot life. 


n and trauma therapy to help [: 00:34:00

Golden terrarium, AKA the cone of silence, a nice quiet terrarium far away from reporters, microphones, or any sudden movements that might trigger his muscle memory to make a blank, unblinking stare or let out 


a ghoulish laugh. The MPRCFTTIGTBPMMHATPFD commits this deeply tax-deductible donation in solidarity and appreciation for the lifelong sacrifice of our tiny hero. Now, enjoy the rest of this human entertainment show and have a great week of doing human things, fellow humans 


That was one of my favorite [: 00:35:00

Dash: Just the thought, I've been thinking that for ever since he disappeared. I'm like, 


Beck: Yeah. Reminds me of a your favorite vegetable? 


Dash: I d- hadn't heard it, but I knew instantly. 


Beck: to, to 


Politics & Voting 


Dash: uh, absolutely. Andy, uh, sent a letter basically like, "I demand an update on this man's health." Like, what are we doing here? But Kentucky, the Senate Republicans actually, they passed a bill that has made it illegal for Andy to replace him even though it's his right as governor. 


Vanessa she thinks he might just do it anyway 


Beck: wild right now 


t I'll be teaching and stuff [: 00:36:00

Uh, I'm not even sure my parents talked to each other about politics because mom was a Democrat and dad was a Republican . and then I thought that is gonna blow some 18-year-old's mind to learn that a Democrat and a Republican got married, and they stayed th- those political affiliations. 


They voted every year knowing they canceled each other's vote out 


Beck: What's better than letting it go forward? 


Dash: Yeah. 


Beck: I'd rather cancel out one bad vote than to let it stand 


Dash: Right. Yeah, you're kind of in a Mexican standoff in that sense, but, like, if y- you can't be the one that doesn't go vote. 


Beck: Yeah, I don't think my parents even voted 


Dash: Well, that wa- I mean, that was one thing that they did talk about was, like, voting is important. 


Beck: they 


in jury duty, and they didn't want jury duty 


ash: I didn't even know that [: 00:37:00

Beck: Yep 


Dash: That's crazy, dude I don't wanna vote because I might have a civic duty come from it? Like, that's 


Beck: These are the same people that didn't want me to get b- rise above my raising. It d- they don't make sense. They never made 


Dash: Yeah. 


Beck: logic. 


on a diet, my 


"Get the vanilla frosting. It's, It's lighter." 


Dash: It, like, right, yeah. It's diet 


Beck: Yeah 


Dash: I mean, it's, that's part of the social engineering that's gone into creating poverty though, to creating an underclass. More than one underclass, right? If we wanna even, we wanna branch it out into, to how we did this to people of color in the US too. But I don't know. My parents, they, I guess they sat down and had a conversation at one point about not specifically avoiding indoctrinating us with stuff, because they did it around politics, but they also did it around things like religion. 


n on church was always like, [: 00:38:00

But she was like, "I'm not ever going to church." Like, she would go to church if there was a performance or something, like if s- one of us was singing in the choir or something like that. And a lot of social events happened at the church, too. 


Beck: one of my favorite stories from my childhood was that I grew up, as we've talked about, I grew up Pentecostal. And there was right next door to my elementary school was a Methodist church, and they would come in and invite us, and for whatever reason I went to their Tuesday night program. And so I went like, it's the only thing I ever got perfect attendance on in my life. I went every Tuesday. Basically, we got snacks, and my brother didn't go, so it was perfect for me, right? And I ended up being in the United Methodist Church's Christmas play that summer or that Christmas, and my mom and dad came and watched it. 


ld daughter in the Methodist [: 00:39:00

Dash: I mean, it's cool that they let you do it, 


Beck: Yeah. 


Dash: and that they came to see you 


Beck: yeah, Mom was just glad I was doing something church related, I was just glad I was 





Beck: My brother 


Dash: Yeah 


Religion & Musical Instruments 


Dash: Can you still play the piano? 


Beck: Not well, no 


Dash: I didn't know you could play piano 


Beck: Not well you know the most useless knowledge that you have? 


Dash: Oh, that's a good question. I'd have to think about it 


Beck: do you remember in the '80s when they had those tiny little keyboards that were, they had one, two, three, four, five, six on it, and they'd come with a little songbook, and you'd push the number to get the song? One, three, 


Dash: Yehaw 


Beck: three, five, six, five, three, five, six, five, three, five, five, three, four, three, two, one, two, three, two, one. Is Michael Row Your Boat Ashore. 


bout to say. Uh, what key is [: 00:40:00

Beck: I don't know. I, yeah, Shanna says she's proud of me that I have some culture 


Dash: Yeah, right. That is very cultured. Some of my favorite songs and some of my favorite musical experiences have been with like religious music, gospel music. 


Beck: Mm-hmm. 


Dash: Like some of the most beautiful arrangements I've been able to be a part of have been... 'Cause like tho- especially those old hymns, they've got those really bizarre harmonies and stuff in them. 


And there's some churches that you know, you're not allowed to use musical instruments, and I don't really know why. Uh, I was never actually a part of one of those, but sometimes we would sing their music. And so it was all the vocals that had to keep the song together, and that took some... Like, I don't know if it was anything to do with, like eschewing worldly things, because they were certainly overcomplicating something 


Beck: I didn't know there were... I knew that you couldn't dance in some religions, but I didn't know you couldn't play music in others 


ere's this one song I really [: 00:41:00

Which, I'm gonna have Google this. Which religion doesn't like musical instruments? 


Churches of Christ. In Christianity, the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Churches of Christ, strictly acapella services 


Beck: I didn't 


Dash: The reason we do not use mechanical instruments of music in worship is because we do not have authority from God to do so 


Beck: I don't have authority from God to text my friends, but I do it anyway. 


Dash: I shudder to think what else we're not allowed to do 


Beck: That's the d- religion is so stupid 


Dash: Who are these people? 


Beck: Like, I really appreciate that some people are very dedicated to their 


Dash: Did you drive to church today? 


Beck: Exactly 


That's 


Dash: Okay 


urprises many people is that [: 00:42:00

Did... Okay, I'm sorry. That is stupid 


The, I mean, no f- like, I would say no offense to people who are members of that religion, but A, how did you get here? And B I just called you stupid, so I can't say no offense. I guess I just don't understand why that's where the line is drawn 


Oh, interesting. So there is a, they do have a little verse here that says that in, maybe like insinuates that instruments might be demonic. And many a person in the Bible played an instrument. 


Beck: What was the quote you were gonna say? 


e banished from the banquet. [: 00:43:00

Clement of Alexandria. This isn't even a Bible verse. Idiots 


Beck: So they're 


so we're not gonna." 


Dash: Yeah, one person, who lived 300 years after Jesus 


You know when you Google something and it starts 


Okay. Appar- als- Islam also doesn't use musical instruments. It's prohibited in many schools. Ruling stems from various sayings of the Prophet Muhammad that warn against the distraction from the scripture that instruments create. The focus is placed entirely on the human voice needed to recite the Quran, though some branches allow percussion 


If you ha- [: 00:44:00

Beck: Well, the Bible never said I should wear thongs, but here we are. I'm kidding, I don't wear 


Dash: This new medicine I'm on is giving me vertigo or something. I'm just, like, sitting here spinning 


Beck: Yehaw 


Dash: I don't even think I need it. It's blood pressure medicine. I have hypotension. Why are we doing this? 


Beck: Right? 'Cause it's better to be preventative in those types of things than it is to wait until it gets bad and try to 


Dash: Yeah. I'm glad I'm not driving anymore. I can lay down after this. Well, do you wanna give us a noun of Appalachian interest? 


Beck: I do. I do. This is probably a little known one. 


Dash: Ooh. 


lachian interest is Jennifer [: 00:45:00

Although I do believe if you set her down in a West Virginia church basement beside a slow cooker, she would blend right in and somehow end up helping clean the kitchen before anyone asked. She was born in Texas, but grew up in Charleston, West Virginia, which means West Virginia gets to claim her. 


ew up in West Virginia, it's [: 00:46:00

Dash: I had no idea 


k: Yeah. Shana wasn't her... [: 00:47:00

Dash: No 


Beck: Katie Lee, she was the host of the first season of Top Chef. She was married to Billy Joel 


Dash: Oh 


Beck: Also she was from Milton. Her mom was Shanna's, like, second grade teacher or something like that. So that's another 


Dash: Cool 


Beck: Jennifer Garner, she was from Charleston, so we get to claim her. She's Appalachian 


Dash: Yeah. Y- and you're, like, so right too about, like, her brand of celebrity. She's always, like, just flying just under the radar. Did you see her her Elektra movie? 


Beck: Uh, no 


Dash: I liked it and it's a shame that, like, it didn't do well. Sh- it's a superhero movie. Elektra was the counterpart to Daredevil. but She did so much fucking work to prepare for that movie. Like, she read all the books. Like, she did more work than a man's ever done to play a fucking superhero. 


Beck: Right 


[: 00:48:00

Beck: Yeah, sure 


Dash: And I have this, like, theory that it's actually a horror movie 


Beck: Oh yeah? 


Dash: Yeah. like she, I think that sh- like the curse, this is clearly a curse that she's under that causes this to happen to her. And if you really do put yourself in the position of a random 13-year-old that this happens to, nothing could be worse because it's sort of like the worst possible iteration. 


Like, that's puberty, right? That's what puberty is, is like all of a sudden you're still the same person you were yesterday, but you have this whole new set of expectations, this whole new identity. Since the last time I saw you, I've watched Obsession three times 


Beck: Oh, wow 


Dash: I'm obsessed 


Beck: Clearly 


horror movie to [: 00:49:00

Beck: Oh, wow 


Dash: Because of the way it treats rape culture and a specific rhetoric of the friend zone and stuff like that as the playground for this story. 


Can't stop thinking about it. I think I'm gonna go turn it on again 


Beck: I watched Welcome to the Dollhouse this week, and then somebody 


also watch Palindromes. That girl does not get to pick out movie night ever. Tracy, my friend Tracy does not... It's not my best friend Tracy, it's another Tracy. She does not ever get to pick movies for movie night because those were horrible. Like, child molestation, and rape, and abuse, and neglect, and all the nasty shit you can think of is all right there. Like, the scene where she's having, in Palindromes, where she's having sex with the truck driver, I just was like, "What the fuck?" Like, am I gonna get arrested for watching this? 


watch Hounddog next. That's [: 00:50:00

Beck: I don't know that one. Is it another horrible film? 


Dash: I mean, yeah, it's... I, I didn't watch it because I knew what it was about. They call it a coming of age drama film 


It was filmed in North Carolina 


Yeah, it is very... Don't recommend it. And she was, like, 10 or 11 when they started filming that thing It's sh- she's lucky she didn't get Brooke Shields'd 


or Jodie fostered 


Beck: I watched The 


day too, speaking of Brooke Shields. That movie was wild, The Blue Lagoon movie. 


seen it? 


Dash: Oh, yeah. 


Crazy. That used to air on TV. 


Beck: Geez 


Dash: Like, the first time I saw it, it was on TV, so they had even blurred out, cause she's just topless. 


Beck: his, wang all the way through it 


Dash: Yeah. And I think there are rumors that they had real sex, 


Beck: Oh, [: 00:51:00

Dash: because they were... I don't think it's was filmed, right? But they were kind of kidnapped and sequestered t- uh, in, at this location, you know, to create verisimilitude or whatever, and it was just an excuse to kinda torture these ki- or keep them in a bubbles to control their environment, and thus the performance. 


And so, y- you know, it sounds like from some of the things that she has said that they did wind up having sex. They were children 


Beck: Yeah. 


Dash: I mean, that's essentially child sex trafficking 


Beck: Yeah 


Dash: Anyway, I think in, uh, hopefully D- Dakota Fanning's experience was better than that, but I don't know 


Beck: Somebody else said I should watch a movie called Happiness, and I'm not gonna watch it either 'cause I've been that it's just as bad. So 


Dash: The one with Will Smith 


Beck: I... No, that's The Pursuit of Happiness. 


Dash: Oh. 


Beck: just a film called Happiness 


Dash:: 1998

Beck: That's the right r- [00:52:00] timeframe 


Dash: Oh, it's by the same guy that did Palindromes, the same um, director 


Beck: Yeah, not a fan. Not a fan of his work 


And though I think it's even grosser that it's 


telling that kind of story 


Dash: Yeah. I don't know much about this guy. Oh, he's a, he's known for his style of dark socially conscious satire. Say less. I don't... No, thank you. He also did Welcome to the Dollhouse, so... He did Wiener-Dog, Life During Wartime. Show me his filmography 


He hasn't made a movie since: 2016

Beck: Good 


Dash: Yeah, I mean, at, at that point just, watch something lighter. Pick out a nice Lars von Trier movie 


Beck: I don't know who that is 


Dunst in it. It's kind of a [: 00:53:00

Terrifying and interesting at the same time. But a lot of his other stuff, it goes really far 


Movie Reviews & Dark Films 


Dash: Speaking of movies, maybe we should spin the wheel of what have you and find out what our assignment is for next week 


Beck: Okay 


Dash: Okay, it keeps landing on just the last two things we've done. Maybe there's something up with this app 


it landed on movie review 


Like technically it landed on uh, social media and I was like, we already, we just did that. Not that, you know, we'll, we're gonna repeat them, it's fine, but not like back to back. 


Beck: Right 


Dash: I'm gonna look and see if there's a better app. 


So okay, movie review. We don't really have a method for choosing 


f my movies that you haven't [: 00:54:00

Anything coming to mind that you'd be interested in trying out? 


Beck: I'm not on a good streak picking movies here recently, so I leave that to my friend. 


Dash: You're not on a good streak with letting people pick movies, 


Beck: Right? 


Dash: this is... 


Beck: Well, Welcome to the Dollhouse 


Dash: Oh, okay 


Beck: And so was the Blue Lagoon 


Dash: Okay, let's, let me ask this then. to be able to talk about it on the show, would you rather it be a movie that is kind of fun and, more light-hearted, but still interesting things to say, or something that is like you could do deep analysis about? 


Beck: Let's do something fun 


Dash: Okay. Uh, I think... So Major League is one. That's one of the ones I haven't seen. 


Beck: I could 


you 


Dash: Well, uh, I haven't seen it, so, 


s. [: 00:55:00

was my mom and dad's favorite movie, you know? And it's just one of those things that seen a thousand times. 


I'm 


you know how that is 


Dash: I mean, listen, just because we're, we could doesn't mean people are coming to us for, like, hard-hitting media analysis. We're not changing lives by reviewing movies. If it's a dumb baseball movie, that's fine with me. And, you know, we've got the rest of our lives to play with whatever we wanna play with, so there's no pressure to pick the exact right movie. 


And I haven't seen it. It sounds funny. So I'm cool with going with that. that sounds fun to me. And then the other one would be The Long Kiss Goodnight, which is m- the action movie. So, I'm, I wanna see something that I haven't seen before, uh, so m- I'd say we should do Major League 


Beck: Okay, that's fine by me. I'm always happy to give it a rewatch 


Next Week: Major League 


a also why w- I'm interested [: 00:56:00

Beck: Right. 


Dash: like a win-win for me ' I remember being aware of it, like, when I was a kid. I remember when it came out 


Beck: It's very quotable, especially if you're a baseball fan, so. 


Dash: It's the one where he's Wild Thing, right? 


Beck: Yeah, Rick Vaughn, but he's not even, that's not even the whole story. It's the story of the team. He's only one part of it 


Dash: Yeah. Ooh, I love that. I love a story about friends and teamwork. I'm such a goon for Friendship is Magic, except I've never been a Brony 


Beck: The, 


The basic premise of the movie is that the Indians suck, and the owner wants to move the team to another city. And to do that she has to get attendance at the all-time low. So she, she has them recruit all of these terrible baseball players that nobody has ever heard. So they're a ragtag bunch of people trying to make it work and trying to win, you know, a championship to keep the, to get the attendance up so that they can keep the team in Cleveland. So that's the premise of the movie. 


se too. Like, sa- saving the [: 00:57:00

Beck: Right. 


Dash: Well, that's, that sounds awesome. 


If y'all listeners, if you wanna brush up on Major League, if you've seen it a bunch or if you've never seen it come and hang out with us while we talk about this apparently ridiculous movie I'm pretty excited about. 


And check out the newsletter for pic- the pictures and the Rao video. 


Beck: How do they sign up for the newsletter if they're not already signed up? 


Dash: Uh, if you would like to sign up for the newsletter, you can go to our website and scroll to the bottom of the page. So, queernecks.captivate.fm or you can go to Substack. I think we're just, uh, queernecks@substack.com 


Beck: words, 


ion, in the descript- if you [: 00:58:00

So you can just expand the description. But yeah Beck puts some episode recaps or highlights in there, usually a deep dive of some sort. You'll have more about the Noun of Appalachian Interest in there. You know, just a little bit of expansion pack for Queernecks 


Beck: Yeah. And if you don't have time to listen to the whole episode, you still get the gist in, in five minutes, so 


Dash: Right. Oh, well, let's go do something useful 


Beck: Yep, I'm gonna clean 


and go have an apple fritter 


Dash: Hell yeah. 


Beck: We got some from Kroger and they were super fresh and delicious. Highly recommend. I'm sorry your 


probably doesn't have a fresh bakery probably. Yeah. Our, the Kroger bakery is five stars 


on the shelves and let them [: 00:59:00

Beck: Yehaw 


Dash: it's usually not worth it 


Beck: I'm sorry. Soon enough 


my friend 


Dash: Yeah, my plan is to be closer to it anyway 


Beck: Yehaw All right, 


Dash: well, thanks for hanging out everybody. We'll see you next time. Say howdy to mom and them 


Beck: Bye